My grandmother used to say “The future’s uncertain, and the end is always near.” Well, old Granny passed away before she could see the dawn of corn-powered automobiles, but essentially, it looks like she was right. How? Well, a few years ago Dutch farmers discovered that ethanol – a yellowy juice made from squashed corn – could be used to power their Volvos. At first most of the free world leaped to the logical conclusion that they were nuts. But now a ton of thirty-something investor folks have made a killing investing in corn.

On Sunday researchers at the Bell Davis Institute in London announced that they had drunk about five glasses of ethanol at an Institute hazing event. Although the original intent of the hazing event was to “weed out undesirables,” Glen Baxter-Higman, the Institute’s reclusive chairman told insiders, “That ethanol clean blew my mind.” The very next day he ordered his footman, Haines, to “make sure we’re well-stocked for our next ethanol party.”

Ethanol drinking seems to be outpacing wine-drinking in other circles as well. Hinterland College in Seattle was the scene of an ethanol party on Tuesday. Sister Carline Salazar said she “found twenty discarded ethanol canisters” outside Klagmar Hall, one of the oldest buildings on the University of Seattle. “It appears that some of the freshmen took it upon themselves to siphon the dean’s hybrid,” she noted

In a surprise turnabout University of Seattle Health Department has released five quarantined university streakers, and issued public statements advising other students streak “at least once a month for health. The five students, including Rudolph Ramirez, son of prize-winning astro-physicist Don J.J.Ramirez, had been kept in quarantine since their capture last week.

University Health Department head honcho Helene Hillman had hesitated in holding them hostage any longer until hearings had been held . “I was annoyed by them, and their flagrant display of their…bodies,” she said. “And I had them held because I felt they may have been a health hazard to other students,” she insisted.

But Ms. Hillman, after watching “Streaking Across America: The James Bangman Story,” on PBS, had a change of heart. “Mr. Bangman was basically a couch potato. Streaking was the only thing that got him up and moving; it may well have saved his life,” Hillman marveled. The very next day after viewing the movie, Hillamn issued pro-streaking statements at six and seven o’clock – times when she does her nightly university radio addresses.

I think it’s just boffo,” said freshly released streaker Rudolph Ramirez.

In related news, Seattle Streaker John Scott has launched a blog. His atheist atrocities post adds some much needed level-headedness to the irrational kill-all-religious-folks movement.

In another tasty tidbit just added to the apparently endless nature vs nurture debate, experts at the Bateman Group have released their bi-annual report, containing the inflammatory statement that “Nature, in all its wisdom, has not seen fit to bless our furry friends the bears with the ability to drive.”

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What do Japanese world hot dog-eating champion Takeru Kobayashi, seminal British depresso-pop icons The Smiths, and a four hundred and seventy-five pound Canadian black grizzly bear have to do with one another, you might well ask. Well, for the purposes of this article, plenty.

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I love to shop. How about you? If it weren’t for all the helpful scolding I received as a child, and the warnings about Satan getting box seats in my soul, I might have grown up as a shoppaholic.

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Not sure if that is his real name, but that is what he goes by. He’s my pro bono business strategy adviser.

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In the US fight in the global war on terror (GWOT), allies are often found in strange places. Last Monday, Major Paul Rutgers Neilson of the US Airborne casually announced that as of the start of this summer’s recruiting season in August, the Airborne is setting its’ sights on America’s hyperactive teens.

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Dare Communications in Simi Valley, California has found for the first time on record that public demand for “fake” news has surpassed its demand for real news for the first time since their surveys began in 1767. In 2007 global news giant CNN admitted as much by establishing a link to “fake” news site “The Onion” on its homepage. “The Onion” in turn, responded by establishing a link on its homepage, to CNN.

Not everyone is jumping for joy at the newfound light touch to approaching the handling and delivery of the world’s news. Canadian Saturday Night Live creator Lorne Michaels, who is often credited with first establishing “fake” news on the “Weekend Update” segment of SNL said, “I don’t think everyone should be allowed to make jokes about the news; it’s best left in the hands of highly-paid NBC professionals.”

But kids growing up bored in history class are loving it. Carl Hamout of Denver told Dare Communications that “It’s a lot easier to memorize historical events if you’re the one making them up – and I really like that part of my learning experience.”

Long famous for being the zaniest nation on the planet, Japan has recently surprised long-time Asia-watchers by engaging in public activities which in the words of UN head honcho Ban Ki-moon “threaten its Special Zany Nation Status at the UN.”

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Stunningly-gorgeous leggy Trump ex-wife Ivana caused quite a stir on Malta as she arrived yesterday, tiny trademark toy dogs in tow, to strike her claim on Lamborghini originator Ferruccio Lamborghini’s multi-storied pagoda home.

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